It stares at you, simply as that, a tick; but the meaning that lies behind that tick is deeper than you are willing to contemplate. it triggers a battle within the self, an intoxicating obsession that barely boaders on legal. A part of you pulls you to the rational, to the cool, to the understanding, but a feeling even stronger than the rational grabs at your conscience and rips your sanity to shreds. To be so enthralled by a being has to be taboo, to feel so deeply that every part of you disseminates and is ruled by a force greater than you could ever have walled yourself against. Drowning, in the whims of irrationality, staring, waiting and counting seconds, minutes, hours…. How does a tick make you question all that you used to pride yourself on, fighting to be strong but weak to the feelings that own you. Nothing you can say, nothing you can do to change that glaring tick…..but wait. ten seconds, one minute….waiting for the tick to double. Then you heart can beat again.
Sooooo, I have just been told I should publicize my blog. Well, its been suggested, I am kinda happy with my one follower 'viewfromtheburbs' and when I blog here, it feels like I’m being very private from my very public forum. What do I have to lose? Well, lets think about that.
1. When you write with an audience, you consciously or subconsciously have to have them in mind. Then the whole thing becomes a staged performance, a portrayal of your character that you wish to be seen…
2. Run the risk of finding out you are not that interesting: This is one thing when people in the ‘real world’ think you are not interesting, but when you expose yourself and still have just ‘viewfromtheburbs” and your boyfriend following, that says something, because this is your online character being rejected as well. I wont go into online characters, I mean, seriously, if that version of you is dull too…. *humming and walking away*
3. Future employers and persons of interest: I have always wanted to have a blog that I called “Things I Think About When Sober” and I scribble so much in my notebook the old fashioned way on and paper, really insightful passages- no, I lie, its just funny things, randomness at worst- the statement is ironic. But to put that online is offering a platform for an assumed image of myself to be made… If I were to read that as an employer who happened on my blog, I would assume this Jacqui, "thelady44" is a drunkard! What??!!! What gave you that impression. What more when I become the president? I kid, I don’t want presidency. The richest woman in Africa? I have given “you” ammo?
4. Studying sociology or almost any discipline in humanities makes you cynical: Its impossible to be a completely objective person when you have passed through the education system, to write freely….. because everything is so poisoned with the influences of whatever your degree imparted on you. What you may have never questioned before, you now question. Are you questioning it because its questionable or because you have been indoctrinated to believe its questionable?
Anyway…(a long dragged out annnyyywaaaay, with a sigh at the end) one can never escape the inevitability of an audience. Even if its an audience that’s fabricated in your head. So why not publicize your blog pretend someone out there actually cares? Nah :)
Ever think that maybe sometimes we hold off on going for our dreams because of the fear that we may or may not achieve them?
If we don’t achive them- we are inadquate, we have failed.
If we do achieve them- what if they don’t fufill you…then you have nothing
If the only thing that drove your soul were your dreams…?
Quite convinced im most pensive or creative when i am in class and doing everything but listening to my lecturer. It seems that my lectures seem to clash with my creative flow, how rude.
Im half listening to lecture about Donna Haraway’s writing on situated knowledges. Briefly, the idea being that “rather then the disembodied obejctivity in science which is from a distanced nowhere while claiming to be everywhere equally’ we must adopt embodied objectivity- where we understand things through taking various standpoints and not from one all-knowing gaze (usually identified by feminists as the male white gaze).
okay, im not transferring my lecture to blog, but it gets me thinking, what does identify us? Are we a multititude of faces, seen from different locations, situations, friends? How best do we discover who we are? Is it through an intimate understanding of ourselves that is born from moments of aloneness, or is the best way through a reflection of the society around you?
I am Jacqui………hmmmmmm.